Einstein Bros. Bagels, 3:39 p.m. - The green tunic of death will now control your life

"Under the Boardwalk" is playing on the overhead speakers. Too bad literally nothing is happening in the store.

There's me and one bored-looking Hispanic guy flipping a rag around in his hands. I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be wiping down things, but he's mostly just wandering back and forth behind the counter trying not to look too bored.

Whoops, here's another one. It's "too-pretty-for-food-service" moo who's just come out of the bathroom. Where's she been for the past 10 minutes? At least there weren't any customers. She's got a drinks mug that she's refilling full of SpontaneiTea Iced Tea. No soda for this size zero princess. She's waving papers around. Maybe it was the bathroom cleanliness check sheet. Hope she washed her hands.

Ohh. "Age of Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In" is playing now. I LURVE THAT SONG! I saw a horrific drag version of it once though. Nearly scarred me for life.

There is a scarily obnoxious man that just walked in. I can't figure out what is worse. His attitude or his shirt. Let's take them in turn, because I have all the time in the world to describe, describe, describe.

He cracked through the door yelling into a Sprint-Nextel walkie-talkie phone like he was barking orders to a commanding army, then disappeared into the bathroom. Presumably he finished barking orders into the phone before doing his business.

The shirt is some horrible palmetto print that places like Tommy Bahama and Ralph Lauren think the over-50 set want to wear on the golf course. It is green with a yellow palmetto pattern. What it really looks like that someone stepped into a puddle of cat puke with a flip-flop.

This old dude is taking FOREVER to make up his mind. The way he burst through the door you might have thought he owned the place. I guess he's never been here before. Is that how he enters every fast food joint? If it is ....

Now we're joined by a WOACA and her henpecked yuppie husband carrying a heavy-looking laptop. They're looking for a laptop plug. "Didn't you say there was one over there? No. What about over here? Well what about here?"

She's the nervous "I HAVE TO BE IN CHARGE OR IT WILL NOT GO RIGHT" type that is the bane of every PTA in existence. Too bad she never learned to dress. Green sleeveless tunic and blousy blue jean skorts. Her shoes are some awful brown not-quite-a-sandal thing with a series of straps that is .... just not quite right. The husband is OK in a blue and white pinstripe not-quite-matching olive pants. Curiously colorblind maybe. OK. Closer look. They're gray. He's safe.

WOW WOW WOW. This man just walked in in black running shorts and a black top. The running shorts a maybe, just maybe, a biiiiiit too short for polite company. When he walked past, I thought it was his shirt. No one needs to see that much leg on a 45-year-old man unless they're a bear chaser. And take it from me - this bear needs trapping.

Another strange couple in here now. Primary colors. She's in a bright sun-yellow knit shirt and white pants and he's in a gray shirt and, so-help-me-god, turquoise shorts. Gray and turquoise. On a man. Hmmm.

Well. Green tunic I MUST CONTROL is like a hummingbird in flight. She has her food but hasn't sat down once. Gotta get a fork. Gotta get a knife. Gotta get cream and sugar. Gotta get napkins. Gotta go wash her hands again. Doesn't like this chair. Needs a lid for her coffee. Needs cream and sugar. Whoops, forgot the milk. Fork and knife for the her. Fork and knife for the husband.

She is for sure running the conversation. "We need to do this. Is the laptop charging? Is it plugged in? What is it doing?" I bet there's a hole worn in her side of the floorboard of the car - if she lets him drive.

He's a passive aggressive. They're arguing over the coffee. She got up to get lids for the coffee and set them down side by side. "That's yours, he said." "I KNOW THAT," she snaps. "That's why I punched out the holes."

I wonder if he ever fantasizes about taking that laptop cord, wrapping it around that neck and ....

OH MY GOD. She just pulled a sewing box out of her mega-purse and whipped out a pen and notebook. She's one of those "super-organized" types. She's even got Wet Wipes.

My time is up. Thank you. Although I think I'm going to stay just to see what happens.

Right after I started to close my laptop she knocked over a cup of coffee right under his laptop. Comic goodness right there.