Sunday, October 28, 2007

The mall, 4:49 p.m. - Bad fashion abounds when out in public

Who said the American economy was slowing down? Consumers are out in droves on this bright Sunday afternoon despite all predictions to the contrary. They are not at church, at second or third jobs or staying in. They are shopping.

And obviously not shopping for new clothes. Right now, I'm looking at a woman in line at the Dairy Queen/Orange Julius. Somewhat appropriately, she is wearing an orange T-shirt, an orange and gold print skirt and gold two-inch heels. There was plenty of junk up in her trunk too. You go sister, you go. You go right on down the mall with that double-fudge dipped chocolate waffle cone.

J.C. Penney must be having a sale. I've seen eight bags go by in the last three minutes. Not small bags either. LARGE bags.

The two girls running this Dairy Queen stall are comically unequipped to handle even the running of an outhouse. One looks to be about 12 - and she's got earbuds jammed in her ears even while waiting on her customers. The other one looks like a reject from the Helena Bonham Carter school of "dazed Englishwoman" acting and is probably "HIGH ON JESUS." She looks the type. Her hair seriously needs a wash though.

They both run back and forth from the Orange Julius to the Dairy Queen registers with no apparent purpose. Now it is taking two of them to ring up a banana split. This is why I don't eat at the mall more.

The noise level is so high that it is virtually impossible to pin down any one individual sound. I think there's a conversation going on right behind me, but all I get is various shrieks and giggles from what sounds like a gaggle of teenage girls. Nope. Just checked. Only two.

OH MY GOD. There is a woman wearing a black t-shirt dress, a belt that is styled like a piano and ORANGE NIKE HIGH-TOPS. Is there a Leopard Time Machine for the eyes?

The cute boy factor for the mall seems suspiciously low for a Sunday. Perhaps they are all at the beach.

Speak and you shalt have. One just walked by in blue jeans and a pink polo shirt - with a knit sweater-vest thrown over his shoulder. Secure and metrosexual or budding prom queen? Who knows in this day and age.

What there is a lot of is old people. One old couple just tottered by on chicken legs. The old man is so frail he looks like he would topple over if you looked at him wrong.

Build-A-Bear. Does not compute. Isn't it just a teddy bear? Yet I must have seen about nine go by in the last few minutes - including one zit-faced couple with matching Build-A-Bear boxes. How cute. When you break up in a few weeks after arguing over who gets the pimple cream - you each get a bear.

People. Please put a lojack, a locator beacon and a safety harness on your howler monkey. To wit. This woman is getting a sub down at Charley's Steakery. She looks up and the kid, wearing a pair of khaki shorts and this adorable little pastel plaid shirt, has wandered down three stalls to stare at the waffle cones in the Dairy Queen window. She's freaking and he's just drooling all over the place. Cue frantic *slap* *slap* *slap* of her flats across the mall's tile floor.

Fifty-seven minutes until the mall closes and the traffic is starting to slow down a little.

Thank you, Mr. Goth Preppie I-am-a-scenester. I will have the image of your plaid board shorts and green underwear across your rump burned into my brain. Dude. Green Scooby-Doo underwear? Seriously. I'll give you points for retro-style, but you're not old enough to have experienced the first go-round of Scooby-Do and you are SERIOUSLY not cute enough for me to care about.

The stupid girls have a huge line at the Dairy Queen now. There is an elderly Hispanic woman with four tiny little girls dressed in their preppy best - all pastel sweater vests and turned-up cuffs - ordering cones. It is so cute but if I were in that line I would be going crazy.

The woman standing behind her, a WOACA in plaid shorts and a white tee (both a size too small) is fiddling with the cash in her wallet, as if to say "I have money, they don't, you should serve ME NOW."

WOACA is twiddling the hair of her obscene poodle perm and whispering under her breath to her friend, who is wearing, I can't describe it exactly, but it looks like she's taken a pair of blue jeans and rolled them up past her knees. Hmmmm. That's an interesting fashion statement there. Might want to rethink that honey. The yellow tank top is OK, but again with an atrocious home perm.

Ladies. Salons are not your enemy.

The line at the DQ is six people deep now. It was eight but the last two just walked off in frustration.

My time is up. Thank you. Damn. I think I want some ice cream.

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