Yeah. I know. Bad blogger. Whatever. Get over it. Most people hate what I put out anyway. And you all are certainly not shy about sending emails. Jesus. One little "Chinese dog buffet joke" and people go apeshit insane. It is OK. Seriously. The doctors say the scars from the razors will heal in a few months. I was lucky that my friends found me though. For the record, O positive.
Joke. Totally a joke. I'd take pills. Just like that scene in "Nip/Tuck" with Julie Warner, where she takes the pills and then says "I think I'm going to put the plastic bag over my head now." That's totally me. And I'm dead serious about that. See what I did there. Using the word "dead." Another joke. A sense of the macabre brings out the best in me.
Anyway. I haven't been around much. I wish I had a good reason. I don't really, other than the fact that I have not been inspired.
Look. I know my writing sucks like Tri-Delta at a Kappa Sig party, but I don't really know anything else to do but keep trying until something clicks. It took more than eight months until "Behind the Counter" really sort of got into a groove and I just haven't found that yet.
On a side note, it still hurts me to type "Behind the Counter." There are days I wish I'd never quit Wal-Mart, never ended that blog. I severely misjudged how much of myself I'd invested in that – and how much it hurt to give it up. I feel like I abandoned a child sometimes. And no, I'd never go back now – but I still miss writing "Behind the Counter." It was something I loved, something I cherished and even though it was probably destroying me to work there, the part of my soul that was fed by the writing is going hungry now.
You think I don't know my new stuff sucks? Knowing it sucks makes it worse. Knowing I put the suckiness out there doubles the sucky factor on top of that.
Honestly, I've been holding back – because people I might want to write about read this. It is not a trust thing – it is more that I can't write around the voids that leaving those things out would cause.
Anyway. I don't know if I care anymore. I'm tired of hurting myself for the sake of something I don't even know if I believe in. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of looking at the shadows of the fire on the wall and thinking those are all that is and ever will be.
I'm going to write until I find myself again.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I'm lost and I don't have a map
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13 comments:
Hey, *some* of us out here miss you. I like reading the best bits to Mrs. Fetched; I usually pick stuff we'll both laugh about.
Just keep writing, it'll click. Like you said, it took a while with BtC to hit your stride. Have you ever thought about hanging out at the Wal-Mart you used to work at & blog about whatever stupid stuff you happen to see? I'll bet it wouldn't take long to find something.
I'm a lurker, and I load your blog up every morning looking to see if there's something new.
I never read the comments, BTW.
You're a wonderful writer! I don't know who's saying crap to the contrary, but they've clearly got issues.
Above all, write for yourself. Those who appreciate your work will patiently wait.
- Sorry you got moved to a different office
- Sorry you aren't getting enough Starbucks
- Sorry you seem to miss Wal-mart, that den of evil. I suppose at least it was interesting.
- Sorry your internet sucks. Right? It's still craptastic?
- Sorry the cute guys are too busy.
- Sorry I haven't said all this sooner. You're one of my joys in life! :-)
--A Lurker in the Midwest
I've been following you since Btc and I loved it. But I would miss you if you left! I was hoping you'd come back. Take all the time you need to "get into the groove" I know a lot of us are still here for you!
I'll be here and reading.
*pat pat*
I hear SS Kresge is hiring ;-)
Yeah. I'm old. LOL
My only other comment was to posit "Five Finger Fridays" but I'm still here, reading each day. You've got talent! Hang in there--you'll find the voice again.
I *love* your writing. Don't censor yourself, what you have to say is unique, hilarious and the world needs your voice. Keep at it until it clicks the way you want it to.
What you wrote about in this post is an inspiration to me too because what writer hasn't stumbled along looking for that groove where we can flow freely. I haven't found it yet; my own writing sucks. But you're so good, even when you write about sucking it's great! Just about everything you write is a gem. Go on now, explore to your heart's content. Lucky us to be with you on your journey.
Publish your walmart blog. Need an investor? I believe in you.
You rock here and at BTC. Take the time you need to develop this blog's style and your own as a writer. You are extremely gifted and I would kill you dead (bad take off on your joke) to be able to write and express myself that freely. I'll always love to read what you write.
I like your writing, and I read your blog regularly. The stuff you write is funny, but I eagerly anticipate the better material that I know you'll generate. Hang in there, and know that lots of people like reading what you have to say!
New reader here. I totally lurve your writing style, and I will continue to visit your blog.
Keep up the good work!
Christi
I've also got to sound off and say how much I appreciate reading your stories and observations. I also came over from the BTC blog and although this new concept is tough I really hope you stick with it, more for yourself than anything.
I have to say how brave you are to put yourself out there like that and the internet is filled with some of the dregs of humanity but you do have fans out there who'll keep on reading with you.
May you find your voice again. You do have a gift so try not to let someone's crotch fruit tell you otherwise.
-long time lurker from the land of the rising sun.
I'm glad you're back! I could tell in your recent posts that you were struggling a bit, but it is great to have you back! I've resolved to comment more on the blogs I read, so here I am. Keep writing, please!
I don't find this blog as consistently funny as BtC, but you write a lot of things that make me laugh out loud when you're being snarky. I still grin at the "whip made out of scorpions" imagery. So I think you really do have a talent for it. What you don't have ~right now~ is as consistent a source of inspiration so suited to your style as a job at that retail hellhole was.
Okay, so you're passionate about writing itself. That's a good and necessary start. But writing about writing is probably not going to draw as big a crowd as regaling people with tales from Wally World. Maybe you can write about writing and develop a style and an audience that works for you. But I have to ask, what else are you passionate about? Is there something else in your life or in the world you have a particular interest in? Maybe you need to figure out what that thing is and let us perceive it as you see it through your words. I think you're good, and smart, and will do well when you turn your energies towards whatever your passions are.
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