Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Starbucks, 5:43 p.m. - LoudLucy laughs it up at the NA meeting

The store that I think of as “my Starbucks” has added a new Christmas touch today – little glass vases with sprigs of fake holly and mistletoe and silver and gold sparkly things.

Seeing as how it is November 20, I personally think it is terribly premature – but I like it anyway.

OH MY SWEET JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH. It’s not a WOACA. It’s not a fried perm. It is just a fashion disaster in the flesh.

This woman just came in. She’s wearing those unfortunate culottes that catch her lower legs about eight inches above the ankle. No black could be that slimming. Her hair honestly looks like something nested in it, left to go south for the winter, then came back and nested in it again. She’s with a guy in a fairly normal plaid shirt and blue jeans.

They walked up to the counter, asked questions about the “free” coffee being dispensed, got a sample, refilled that, refilled that, then refilled THAT. Now they are walking around, sipping the fourth refill and browsing the art on the walls of this Starbucks.

They’re behind me, but I got a good look at this woman’s eyes as she came in. Completely dead. And her skin is in horrible condition. You know, I bet she’s a drug addict or something – and the guy is her sponsor. I know there’s an AA meeting place around here. I bet NA would use the same space.

Cute Boy Alert! Green cargo shorts and a gray T-shirt. Shaved head though. Points for the Celtic tattoo on the ankle. Caramel soy macchiato. And he delicately adds a sprinkle. Wait. No. Not so delicate. He DUMPS cinnamon on there.

The loud barista who always screams and tries to leave early just came in. “IS THE SCHEDULE UP?”

She’s browsing the merchandise – the Starbucks merchandise – and offering her unsolicited opinion on the advent calendars, the plush toys and the CDs. “I LOVE THIS BEAR. I SAW IT LAST NIGHT AND I AM SO GETTING ONE.”

The rest of the baristas are just working around her. She is obviously bored with nowhere to go, but doesn’t realize that no one wants to talk to her while THEY HAVE WORK TO DO!

One barista is trying to re-stock the water & sandwich case – a task made all the more difficult by the fact that LoudLucy is standing there fingering stuffed animals and exclaiming how tasty the cookie displays look.

Now she’s flirting with Diamond Studs. I swear to Kali, the sexual tension in a Starbucks could power a city block if harnessed properly.

There is a Hanson holiday remix on the radio right now. I think it is “Little Saint Nick.” Whatever it is, it is an abomination. A complete and total abomination.

I see that Starbucks is selling the soundtrack to the Charlie Brown Christmas special. I adored that show as a child. It was almost a requirement for Christmas – along with the Rudolph & Frosty specials.

Old people suck. There’s one old man sitting behind me TRYING to read a newspaper. This other old man just came in and ordered a coffee. For whatever reason, he feels the need to SCREAM across the Starbucks at this other old man ‘HOW ARE YOU TODAY? JUST BEING PEACEFUL? WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU?” Well, it was peaceful before you started yelling up in here!

Another fashion tragedy approacheth. For one, she has what looks like a blonde mop on her head – one that has seen far too many Sally Beauty Supply bleach kits.

Then there’s this odd heart-print top with a keyhole in the back that exposes her bra. I really don’t get it. Black shorts and gray flip-flops. Her male companion is wearing slate-gray shorts and an orange shirt. Maybe they’re just color blind?

And they’re ordering a set of frappuccinos. What they need to be ordering is green tea. Or a coffee enema.

There’s a hot guy coming in wearing a T-shirt advertising ALWAYS AVAILABLE PLUMBING. I wonder if he is truly “always available.” I need to write that number down!

OK. I’m out. I’m going to eat my peppermint cookie and go home.

9 comments:

staticwarp said...

holy shit. you are so dedicated that you have an entire month of the new blog to read when i just found out your old blog will rest in peace. you are an extraordinary person! thank you so much for BTC, and for keeping the writing going here on 21 minutes. i love your writing so much! i almost cried when i read the last post at BTC, but now i am filled with joy and relief, because you have this wonderful writing waiting here for me. you kick ass!

Anonymous said...

LOL! I mysef find bald men sexy,,,lolol!

Anonymous said...

I saw a fat lady in splash pants with a fanny pack and thought of you this morning.

Is that creepy?

Anonymous said...

Maybe I should thank my cousin for his merciless mockery of my wardrobe as a younger kid. I wasn't fashion conscious, I was fashion comatose. He had two older sisters and a cruelty that couldn't be bested and maybe the public humiliation created in me a fear to look ridiculous. It makes me want to publicly mock total strangers, but then I'd get my head beat in or something.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I'm a faithful reader who seldom posts. Glad you are continuing with your writing. If you keep writing, I'll keep reading.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Larry Kollar said...

I'm partially color-blind, so I'm sure I commit more than my share of fashion violations. I've learned not to give a flap though… as long as my dangly bits are concealed, and I'm not too hot or too cold, it's good.

Larry Kollar said...

Oh yeah, and the old people might have been yelling 'cause they're deaf. My dad w/o his hearing aids is a prime example.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps ... some editing. Maybe one interesting event, not, yno, whatever passes your eyes.

AtYourCervix said...

Keep up the fantastic writing. I love how you write about everything going on in your environment. It makes me feel like I'm right there next to you, seeing what you're seeing.

Great job! (even though I will miss your BTC posts)