Starbucks, 6:24 – Psst. I’ve got some oceanfront property in Arizona…

I’m sitting here staring at a woman with the most atrocious fried perm in the entire world. If she entered this perm as a concoction in the Texas State Fair, it would beat out Fried Coke, Fried Hot Dogs and Fried Twinkies as the top fried item. That’s how fried it is. Ladies, your hair-stylist IS YOUR FRIEND. Home perms will save you money but not your reputation.

She’s got the full “I’m studying for finals” regalia out. There’s a rolling backpack with a tin of tea, a separate thermos for coffee, a stack of books with names like “Quantum Healing: Exploring the Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine” and a lunchbox.

She’s wearing blue jeans and a much-washed pink tunic. What’s worse is that she’s not studying. She’s downloading music files on her laptop over the Starbucks WiFi. I can see the BitTorrent client from my chair.

She wouldn’t be able to concentrate anyway. Two old real estate queens are working over some deal with all the concentration that Dick Cheney would have given to trying to solve the thorny issue of an opposition party.

I love old real estate queens. One is wearing a pink and white striped shirt and slacks and these delicate gold glasses. He’s got silver bracelets on BOTH hands and is punctuating his declarations with jabs from a black Bic pen.

And he’s wearing sandals with jewels on them. Pinky’s little friend is dressed in a black crewneck pullover that’s unbuttoned down to the last button – showing a decent amount of tanned hairy chest. He’s rocking the shaved head and stubble look. Workout queen. His neck tendons stand out in ropey cords and make him look like the result of a vulture mating with a Cardassian.

Black Crewneck has what looks to be a MontBlanc pen but is really just a cheap knockoff. He keeps drawing diagrams on a pad. I think he’s trying to get Pinky to invest in some scheme.

The table and two extra chairs are littered with the detritus of this conversation. I can see an iced coffee cup, a Super Big Gulp cup, three sacks from Starbucks To-Go cookies, napkins, a pile of folders, four notepads, two clipboards and a couple binders.

No. I got it wrong. Pinky is trying to close a deal. “I hear what you’re saying but you just need to listen.” Pinky is starting to get touchy-feely. Now he’s slapping one hand into the other and enumerating his points.

I’m being blinded. Some dude in a gigantic white GMC pickup just rolled up. PLEASE DIM YOUR LIGHTS IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO USE THE ON-STREET PARKING! There are people inside. He need to wash his truck too!

StudyGirl just got up to swipe about five little paper cups of the free cookies the Starbucks has on the counter. What if I wanted that cookie?

Now StudyGirl has a supportive friend. A big fat old WOACA with major fashion issues. This woman is wearing what looks like a pair of Hefty bags that have been sewn into pants. They stop at that awkward point about six inches up from her ankles – where only people with thin legs should have pants stop. She’s topped off the black trash bags with a turquoise top a size too small.

I can clearly see the underwire of her bra straining to poke out the back, sides and FRONT. They long to escape the turquoise confinement. Her hair is fried too – although this is clearly a case of too much bleach. She’s probably a granola WOACA – because she’s wearing some kind of awful thongish sandal that make her feet look huge. She’s toting a giant black purse that looks like it could hold a baby inside.

She’s leaving. Now I’m being blinded by the headlights of her black VW bug. I wonder why she bought such a small car for such a large person? Hrmmmmm.

There’s a weird girl wandering around now. She’s got on high-waisted shorts and a black pullover – and orange shoes. It gives the impression that her crotch is somewhere up around her boobs. She’s super-skinny and looks like one of those poseable figures with the wires that you can make into all sorts of crazy shapes. She’s getting a coffee, a sandwich and a cookie. That’s right girl. YOU NEED TO EAT!

I guess the milk steamer is going to play me out tonight.

I could barely hear the in-store music over the deal-making from Pinky and Black CrewNeck and the constant chair-scratching from StudyGirl. Peace. Later. Bye.